...because it's two am, and I have more on my mind than anyone should. I guess I should begin where I last left off.
I went on a cruise. Carnival..the "fun ships". Ironically, the most "fun" I had was off the ship. When I got on the boat I felt like I was going to be fine, because it was so large; I just didn't see it sinking. Two hours after I was on the boat the life boat drill took place. If you've never been on a cruise, this is where they make what seemed to me about 300 people line up on the side of the boat facing the lifeboat you would be assigned to, come disaster. Of course, as luck would have it I was smushed up against the side of the boat with all the people already smelling of their tourist body odor and gross tanning oil pushed up against me. That is how you would be crammed into a lifeboat. I couldn't breathe, my eyes were open but my vision kept coming in and out, and I wanted to jump off and swim home. I'm assuming that was what is called a "panic attack". Of course then I vomitted the whole first night, and couldn't stop the what I knew were childish tears from pouring down my face. Travis was insanely frustrated at me, I was frustrated with me, I can't imagine what his family thought about me, and all that just made me more frustrated and tearful.
Well after that night, I decided to just suck it up and act. I think the cover fell off a couple times, but really I was proud that I could swallow that sick feeling enough to last 5 days. I was happy to meet Travis' cousin Randy's girlfriend, Amy, who was super nice, and reminded me a lot of the person I used to be. I will admit I did have fun snorkeling (what a shock-I know) and swing dancing. I also enjoyed that it was mostly a free vacation, that I feel like I should eventually pay back. Other than that though, I hated that it felt like you were stuck in Fantasy Land at Disney World at 3pm with cranky kids and old grouchy married fanny pack couples, without any escape to Frontier Land. There was also not enough to do, unless you were an alcoholic, or in the kiddy camp (which looked like so much fun).
So when it comes to cruises I can now say, I have been there, done that, and would give away tickets if I won them for free.
I always said that when I finished college I would either get married and move in with my spouse, or I would move in with my mom, so that I would never have to live alone. I'm currently living alone. My roomates moved out three days ago, and I'm slowly going insane. I don't know anyone in Orlando, besides for Robert and Meg who are in Vero now, and Rissa who is always with Anthony (not that I can blame her. lol) I hate coming home to this empty place (that is filled with sugar ants...even though I dont know anyone who uses more clorox wipes to constantly keep it clean). Someone threw up all over my front door and it took maintenance two full days to clean it up. (and they still left me lots of splatter to stare at...or clean ...yeah right).
I also am sick and tired of dealing with one sided friendships. It seems like I am always there when I can tell my friends are feeling down, but it's not reciprocated. What the crap man. This is why I like animals better than most people.
Except Mom and Doug..of course.
I don't mean only them. That's horrible. There's at least a couple more. Oh, I'm horrible.
Oh- speaking of people, got a call from an ex last night (yeah, I knowwww) and got in touch with an old friend from junior year through facebook, who thank goodness lives in Orlando. That was nice :]
Oh- in case you heard tell, I'm not getting married in May. It's against too many people's wishes, including my own. I don't think I'm very good at being loved. I always try to push it away, and blame it's failure on other forces. Looking at myself from a psychologists point of view I'd guess that I feel I don't deserve it. I actually know I don't.
-shrugs-
When did I become this way? Why am I constantly beating myself up about things? Why don't I laugh as much anymore? Is this how people become when they get older? Life can't really be like this. I feel like everything is losing luster and meaning. I remember being little and my Uncle asking me why I wanted to become famous so bad, and I laughed at him, horrified that anyone would not understand, or want fame and fortune. I said, "because nothing is better than singing and dancing on stage or in front of a camera." Now look at me. I haven't performed -really performed since final bow of Beauty and The Beast senior year. I like to place all the blame for my lack of Kaitie-ness on that...but I know there's more.
I hate him for making me this way. I hate myself for not ever doing something about it, not even now.
I can't end on such a negative note. I'm trying to vent to go to sleep, and I need to think of something better. At least I start my major classes this fall. At least I'm rushing for a sorority this fall. It will be nice to meet new people, maybe to fall into some kind of life of partying, laughing, drinking, shopping; the life I didn't experience in high school. At least I'm making something of myself, even if it's not a Broadway performer like I spent most of my life dreaming about...and maybe I should look up local auditions and try. Cause I gotta stop acting, I'm fooling everyone else but myself, I'm not who I was, who I liked, I'm not happy.
